Following Brain First

I hang out with a lot of smart people. I often find that we all may be too smart for our own good. It is a trend in some recent conversations we have had, but today, I am speaking entirely for myself.

Lately God has been a purely intellectual exercise. As you may know, my devotions have been the act of reading through Psalms, analyzing them as poetry, and working to recreate them in my own words or use them as a writing prompt. I spend Wednesday in a Bible Study reading through the Gospel of Luke about one chapter at a time. Fridays I have Spiritual Life at MTR. I work for a Christian Teacher Residency. I talk about God a lot.

It is a whole lot of talk. I am analyzing, I am debating, I am pondering. And that has recently left me feeling empty. At our latest Spiritual Life we did a worship session led by the residents. People prayed and sang. For about an hour, we turned the basement of MTR into a place laden with the presence of God.

And I felt nothing. Prayers and songs reiterated how great God is and how wonderful his sacrifice was for us and I was able to listen on apathetically. I didn't know what was going on.

After all, God was the reason I moved to Memphis. Christ is the impetus for serving these schools. And yet, I couldn't feel him. The Resurrection seemed to mean nothing to mean. I ended up weeping. Mourning my apathy. I prayed, trying to connect to God. I wanted him to be real to me, physical to me. I wanted to need him. I was desperate to need him. But I didn't.

God was a philosophy. He was an idea I could fit into my head. He was words on a page. I could pick him up and take him with me and drop him down whenever he bothered me. I called that "revising my theology" or "learning."

Now I am not advocating for ignorance or rejecting new information. I am rejecting God as a solely intellectual concept. If he only lives in my mind than he is an existential God who is me.

The very next day my wife and I got some big news. Not great news. Big bad news. I didn't know how to handle it. There I was standing on the precipice of technology and biology and realizing how small I was.

I prayed. During that day, about once every other minute I prayed to God. I simply said "God give me strength." Tears down my face, breath short, holding my wife, I needed God. Anything.

Erin Myers appeared at my door with delicious ice cream popsicles from La Michoacana. Seriously. I know it seems so small but it was a miracle. It was everything I needed and everything my wife needed. It was God and the Myers saying, "we see your hurt, I hope this helps." I even tear up now writing it.

God was bothered by my pain and worked to relieve it. It seems so small. But a philosophy isn't bothered by pain. It can't work to relieve it. I guess that is the story of the gospel, the story of the Cross. God is bothered by our pain and works to relieve it.

I try to be less intellectual everyday. I try to live out of my head more. I don't want to be stupid but I do want to be simple. They are not synonymous. I want to love God and serve man. Besides, what do I truly know of God? What do I know of Holy? True Holiness. A righteousness that burns away sin and a mercy that covers all wounds. I want to know that. I want to draw near to it and nuzzle my spirit into my Father. I want to follow with my spirit first and brain second.

Pray for me. It isn't easy.

I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?
     - Addison Road "What Do I Know of Holy?"