Feeling so Ronery?

So I am sensing a theme in the past week or so here at MTR. Most of us feel lonely. Maybe not all of us. However, just about everyone I have talked to feels lonely and if I assume that there are a few more options, than that means about 20% at the bare minimum are starting to feel the press of loneliness.

First of all, people feel genuinely disconnected. This is not a shock. Many of us just moved either simply across the city or across the country. We have lost our relationships and comfort zones that allow us to feel at home. At first, everything is excited because it feels like a vacation. You are hanging out with new people, seeing new sights, and feeling adventurous. However, the role of home is to give us a place to rest and recuperate. Now four weeks in, many of us are starting to long for that regeneration. It hasn't struck us all quite yet that this is home. For four years. This is not a vacation.

With that realization comes despair. Will you ever get home? Will this ever feel like home? Will this place be as good as the last place? Will your friends remember to call? Will your family write? Do you belong here? These are some large questions to ponder while being slammed with a relevant reading load and adjusting to a new city.

The next problem is an issue of perception. Take a look around Facebook. Look at all the people going out to lunch together, getting together on Saturday night, tagging each other in statuses or silly videos and one question start to comes to mind "why am I not there?" I am sitting in my room reading an intensely boring book by a wordy sociologist and apparently there is a dance party going on in somebody's apartment. Not a text, not an email, not a phone call to invite me. I can walk around the classroom after class and hear people inviting each other out to lunch and yet they do not invite me. What is wrong with me that I do not get invited?

Side note: Yes, I can ask to come to. I am not talking about solutions quite yet, but perception. Hang on.

Because the perception is that everyone around you are BFFs. You feel alone and they appear to be the exact opposite of lonely. You invite someone out to lunch or coffee and they are busy with previous plans with someone else. You are too late to the party. Cliques have formed. People have found their niche. You are the outcast and the loner.

But here is the problem. Everyone I talk to feels like the outcast loner. You see how that math quickly fails to add up?! We can't all be outcasts if we believe everyone else is hanging out together.

Yes, I miss out on some lawn get togethers because I am not connected to the lawn. Yup, I miss out on lunch dates because I cannot afford to go out to eat all the time when my stipend is supporting two people. Yes, people assume that because I am married I cannot hang out or they cannot come over. This is all true and plays a role in my ability to relate to people. However, so much of this is perception. People's perception of me and my perception of them. For instance, I perceive that all my peers want to go out all the time (I also assume none of them ever have time to do reading ever) and that they want to go out without me. I assume they don't want to do a BYOD or BYOL or read together just to have the company of another. That is a lot of assumptions on my part. People make a lot of assumptions concerning my availability as well. Assumptions all around!

There is a third problem, and that is one of true relationship. Because going out to eat together and doing study sessions together does not make for relationship. That is a perception to overcome. Because sticking me in a room full of people all day everyday and making us do projects together does not create relationship. Everyone is nice and welcoming for sure. However, not many people seem to know me for me. They do not know Rory. Most people know I love poetry, and that is because I have eagerly thrown that out there. People also know I am married. Most conversations I have with people are about my wife and poetry and then the conversation ends. So do I feel connected to people? Not yet. Most people I talk to feel the same thing. Everyone is super nice and wants to be friends with everyone else. Does this mean they are talking to me to be nice or because they have a genuine interest in who I am? tough question.

So my advice to anyone feeling lonely.
1. Pray for companionship and friendship - this may seem silly or even obvious but it is something we forget to do all the time. Ask God first. You are not in control of whether people are interested in you or like you, but God has a role to play.
2. Remember you are not alone - most of the people around you feel lonely too. Do not think you are the only one feeling homesick or that no one truly knows you.
3. Do not change yourself - if you are an introvert, do not think you need to become an extrovert to get people to like you. People need introvert friends too and you can be that. You don't need to go out to every lunch or hangout to make friends, trust God.
4. Rally support - call home, Facebook message a friend, and ask them why they stick around you. Do not do it to fish for a compliment, but do it to be reminded that you are likeable and desirable.
5. Be a friend, don't demand friends. - Here is a quote from Mark Scandrette that has rocked my world "People often come to our learning labs in search of community. We patiently explain that, though we believe a sense of belonging is important, community is not the best goal in itself - it is the byproduct of shared vision, activities, practices and commitments. The quality of relationships we want can't come from a posture and attitude that asks, "How can my needs be met?" Community can't be manufactured, nor is it instantaneous. True community develops over time, through patience, love and mutual commitment." In short, community for community's sake is feeding the ego and not serving the community. Be a friend. Look for an outcast, someone uncomfortable, someone lonely. Don't treat them as a project. Invite them over to dinner. Offer to study with them. Be a friend first. Get friends second.

Again. You are not alone. Friendships will grow as we get to the hard part of the year. Friendships will wane once we get to the hard part of the year. We will go through a refining fire and at the end community will be a byproduct of this year, not a requirement to get through it.